I am what some people might call a pushover. Not always. I can stand my ground, and I have on multiple different occasions. But, some people in my life who I know don’t care about me as much as I care about them? yeah, their the ones i’m a pushover for because I will not give up on a friend.
I’ve had a lot of people give up on me.
People who i’ve done a hell of a lot for. People who I would take a bullet for have just stopped messaging me because i’m in a different city, or have no time for me unless their real friends are busy. People who I have done everything for, and who really have done nothing in return for me.
This is not healthy. This is toxic.
Surrounding yourself with people who you love, and who you think the world of is great, it’s perfect. But what isn’t, is seeing none of that love reciprocated. It doesn’t matter if this is a friendship, romantic relationship, or family member. If someone is toxic towards you, you need to stand up for yourself and leave.
If this is a family member, seperate yourself. This doesn’t mean that your being nasty, it just means that you’ve realised that these people just aren’t good for you. We can have family members who are toxic, and just see them on special occasions and everything great. Thats perfect. But if being around them for longer than 2 days creates a toxic environment for you, then you have every right to say this isn’t good for me, I need to leave this situation.
This is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.
This year I decided not to message certain people in my life, and see if for once they messaged me. It was a time where I just thought “no. why do I spend my time doing everything for all of these people and they don’t do a damn thing for me.” Friendship isn’t about doing a lot for another person, it’s being their; and all the people that are now out of my life haven’t been their for me through anything. When it was there birthday I got them a present no matter what (one year I got them a donut because I didnt have any money, and its honestly the thought that counts), they haven’t even said happy birthday to me in return. It’s not about presents, in all honesty I hate my birthday, but at least say happy birthday to someone who you know would do anything for you.
I see it now. I see that they were just dragging me along and didn’t care at all. I see that all the times I text them to see if they were free, they didn’t text me once. I see that they lied to me, that they didn’t trust me when I never did anything wrong. I see that when I confronted them about problems and nasty things they had done to me, they switched it around to the point that I was apologising and they never said a thing. I see the manipulation. I see that these people simultaneously crushed any confidence that I once had and called themselves friends to me. I see that I am much better of without them in my life.
I miss them, I do. Even though they treated me awfully, I can’t help but think of the good times we had together too. It’s bullshit. It sucks that this has happened, especially when I know I haven’t done anything wrong. It sucks that I know that they will always play the victim card and make me look like a bad person. But, at the same time i’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that I was strong enough to walk away from my entire friendship group and start again on my own. I’m thankful that I saw how nasty and manipulative they were now so that I don’t have to waste another day sitting with them all and feeling like the loneliest person in the room. I’m thankful that I am free to start new.
This is scary though. I’m not in school of any kind, and making friends when your older is harder, but, something new will come of this. It has too. I don’t deserve to have toxic people in my life. I don’t deserve to be treated like i’m nothing by people who call me their “friends”. I deserve happiness.
This year I have been stronger than ever. This year I did something i’ve wanted to do for nearly three years. This year I got away from the toxicity. So, if I can, you can too.
I’m so excited to see what 2017 brings, after 2016 was one of the best/worst years of my life.
Love always, B x